Post- Birthday Thought
Well this is the thought of my 26th year (as I am only allowed one thought a year since Jorge Matojo arrived in our lives... I think....)so here it goes.
Reader Beware: Do not read if you are not in the mood for sad, mushy, philosophical stuff. Just don't read. Don't bother.
Okay so I was watching a film adaptation of The Memory Keeper's Daughter and one of the things in the movie that held my attention was the inability to make a mistake and move on. It struck me that I've seen my life as this joining of mistakes to which I was the biggest one of all. My life has been one big Non- Adventure so-to-speak and by this I mean that I have watched as life has happened to me isn't of actually living it, being taken hostage by a horrible fate. Now I understand that my life has been choices not mistakes. My life has been about choices that I didn't make because I was too terrified of the outcome, too terrified of being responsible for my choices. I won't say that with age comes maturity and wisdom because it doesn't. I'd like to think that with age we get clarity and maybe a new pair of glasses through which to look at life. having come to the understanding of my choices I have become more aware of the life ahead, more prepared to take the responsabilities and joys out there. Fate no longer has me under her spell. I could go the English Major road and start quoting Robert Frost and philosopying about choices and the road ahead, but let's face it none of us is really prepared for the future and trying to plan it to the infinintesimal potency is going to drive us all crazy. I mean... the good part about a good ride in a rollercoaster is not knowing which way it will turn next, isn't it? (Note: Please see that I am not referring to height since I am scared shitless of heights. A good floor-on-my-feet rollercoaster is all I ride in amusement parks..... AND I know what you dirty little minds went to when I said it was the only thing I ride and laughed!! Sick sick people... I have taught you well.*Taking Bow*) I am admittedly scared of the future and the turns it might take, but I'd miss a lot of the exhilaration, screams, and laughter if I keep watching life happen in the sidelines. I've been waiting for my life to start for 26 years thinking that the location would matter, that if I was somewhere else I would be different, feel different... but no place will do that I am the only one that can do that, and I am.
For those who know me I have been dealing with depression for the past eight months, and admittedly eight months ago I wouldn't have thought to reach 26. That's the thing about thinking you don't have a choice or that other people's choices are superior to your choices... you think it long enough that you don't see it changing. I'm glad to say that I am on the mend. The doctor's have given me a good review of my work (and getting better has been a lot of work) and I'm much better, which is not to say I don't suffer from depression still, it just means that I'm better at dealing with my choices. Watching Reality Bites the other day had some insight (yeah I can't believe it either) the Winona Ryder character says to Ethan Hawk "By 23 I was really gonna be somebody...you know," to which Ethan Hawk answers is "All you have to be at 23 is yourself." Kinda ironic to hear the guy who stars in Great Expectation talking about erroneus expectations. But its true. I owe myself to be me. I don't owe the world or my family or my friends to be me. My goal in life is simple. My goal is not to be a professor or a teacher or a mother or a wife or a writer or a poet. My goal is to learn who I am and be whoever that might be. I think finding out who I am is adventure enough for me.
Life is no longer a hopeless dreary affair that I have been obligated to presence like going to Shakespeare class. Life is full of possibilities and choices waiting to be made. There are no mistakes only different choices. From now on might-have-been is a could-be .... "and THAT has made all the difference."
The Non- Adventures of Me have become to a close. Only good times to come....
Love,
SMR
Reader Beware: Do not read if you are not in the mood for sad, mushy, philosophical stuff. Just don't read. Don't bother.
Okay so I was watching a film adaptation of The Memory Keeper's Daughter and one of the things in the movie that held my attention was the inability to make a mistake and move on. It struck me that I've seen my life as this joining of mistakes to which I was the biggest one of all. My life has been one big Non- Adventure so-to-speak and by this I mean that I have watched as life has happened to me isn't of actually living it, being taken hostage by a horrible fate. Now I understand that my life has been choices not mistakes. My life has been about choices that I didn't make because I was too terrified of the outcome, too terrified of being responsible for my choices. I won't say that with age comes maturity and wisdom because it doesn't. I'd like to think that with age we get clarity and maybe a new pair of glasses through which to look at life. having come to the understanding of my choices I have become more aware of the life ahead, more prepared to take the responsabilities and joys out there. Fate no longer has me under her spell. I could go the English Major road and start quoting Robert Frost and philosopying about choices and the road ahead, but let's face it none of us is really prepared for the future and trying to plan it to the infinintesimal potency is going to drive us all crazy. I mean... the good part about a good ride in a rollercoaster is not knowing which way it will turn next, isn't it? (Note: Please see that I am not referring to height since I am scared shitless of heights. A good floor-on-my-feet rollercoaster is all I ride in amusement parks..... AND I know what you dirty little minds went to when I said it was the only thing I ride and laughed!! Sick sick people... I have taught you well.*Taking Bow*) I am admittedly scared of the future and the turns it might take, but I'd miss a lot of the exhilaration, screams, and laughter if I keep watching life happen in the sidelines. I've been waiting for my life to start for 26 years thinking that the location would matter, that if I was somewhere else I would be different, feel different... but no place will do that I am the only one that can do that, and I am.
For those who know me I have been dealing with depression for the past eight months, and admittedly eight months ago I wouldn't have thought to reach 26. That's the thing about thinking you don't have a choice or that other people's choices are superior to your choices... you think it long enough that you don't see it changing. I'm glad to say that I am on the mend. The doctor's have given me a good review of my work (and getting better has been a lot of work) and I'm much better, which is not to say I don't suffer from depression still, it just means that I'm better at dealing with my choices. Watching Reality Bites the other day had some insight (yeah I can't believe it either) the Winona Ryder character says to Ethan Hawk "By 23 I was really gonna be somebody...you know," to which Ethan Hawk answers is "All you have to be at 23 is yourself." Kinda ironic to hear the guy who stars in Great Expectation talking about erroneus expectations. But its true. I owe myself to be me. I don't owe the world or my family or my friends to be me. My goal in life is simple. My goal is not to be a professor or a teacher or a mother or a wife or a writer or a poet. My goal is to learn who I am and be whoever that might be. I think finding out who I am is adventure enough for me.
Life is no longer a hopeless dreary affair that I have been obligated to presence like going to Shakespeare class. Life is full of possibilities and choices waiting to be made. There are no mistakes only different choices. From now on might-have-been is a could-be .... "and THAT has made all the difference."
The Non- Adventures of Me have become to a close. Only good times to come....
Love,
SMR
posted by Sharon Mendez at 11:13 PM
3 Comments:
Amen sister. You know you can always count on me, to walk with you whatever road is ahead, for you, i would check for landmines before letting you pass.Cause you deserve to be happy.
Wow, Sharon. I'm so happy to hear these words from you. I'm happy that you're happy and happy that you've come to the conclusions that you so very eloquently verbalize in this entry. I think that its great to take an active role in life and to be determined not to let it go by. I'm so glad that you're jumping into it. I, on the other hand, do not have such clarity. I often wish I had Prozac or some other good upper so that I could feel better and happier all the time because life, for me, is not a series of joyful events. Its a series of things to do over and over again. For me, boredom is excruciating, routine overwhelming and the weight of frustrated dreams lays heavy on my heart everyday. Yes, I know I'm dramatic but this is how it is and this is how its been for as long as I can remember. I wish I had your clarity and I'm so very (truly, form the bottom of my heart) glad that you have it. I, on the other hand, I'm still looking for it :(
Any advice?
V.
Well, lets just say that I AM medicated and have been going very regularly to therapy for it. I've had a lot of work to do for the pass eight months. I've been working on my thoughts and to make them more positive. Its hard but I think its worth it. I've been suffering from dreams deferred for the last three years and the heartache that comes with it. I really don't have any good advice except to recapture ur dreams and to spice up ur life with the fun stuff that make life worth it.
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